Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Countdown to chemo - 2 days to go
Well it is time to get my blood work done. Tomorrow morning I will get my blood drawn and meet with the lady who will "hook me up" with my oral chemo medication (Lapatinib). Since this is part of my clinical trial I actually get it free. WOOHOO, you shouldn't have, just what I always wanted. Have a mentioned that I have to take 5 of them a day!?! I have enjoyed my freedom but now it is time to get back to being out of control. Out of control of how I react to the medication, out of control of how feel, out of control of my schedule, out of control of all the medication I have to take to counteract the medicine I have to take to live, out of control of being in control. If you know me you know this is the hardest part for me.
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The first part is O-V-E-R! You kicked it's butt. Even though you felt out of control... Can't wait to see how gracefully you take this next phase. xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThere has to be a better way of thinking of this process, of working with it instead of fighting it--try this, see if it helps.
ReplyDeleteWe used to live in Oceanside, in southern California, and I went body surfing quite a bit. Once I got caught in a wave, and for a few horrible moments I was lost and out of control. I couldn't tell where up was, I didn't know where to go to get my breath, and the more I fought it the less I could feel the flow of the water.
In order to find my way, I had to let go and let the surge of the wave take me up. And then I was part of the process. Waves pull in and they crest, they surge and fly forward and wash up onto the beach. It's powerful, but it's directinal, and if my body relaxed, I could fly with it.
I wonder if that's how this is. The chemo has a flow, a wave that pulls back and in and then forward. Since it starts with sucking everything into itself, pulling in all the power and energy, with a power beyond your control, at first your body fights it. But as you remember that waves have a system, a process and plan, you can flow into it, moving into that time of power, feeling it pulling through, pulling out the cancer cells. And when you reach the crest you can ride the wave into healing, a surge of new beginnings from within your body, rushing forward while the cancer is gone,washing out the old cells and lifting you to a new and good place.
Your "body surf" is to find the power of the wave, and ride it, relaxing into the gathering power, open to the pulling through, the drawing in of the cancer cells, trusting the process beyond the moment and riding with it, knowing it will only go so far, knowing it can pull you with it onto the beach. Feeling the crest, the place where it quits sucking in more water, where it has all the power it needs, and surges forward onto the beach--where you can lay in the sand and rest, and get on with your life.
We can work with this or other ways of experiencing it, till it's right for you, to help you find your place in the process, surrendering to the power and trusting it because it will let your body surge you forward to a better place.
Deb
....thinking about you & hoping things are going okay with your treatment this time. Take care...
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